Like A Child
by demonicbunnies
Summary: You're all a lost generation- Gertrude Stein **It be done**
1. And Maybe

I stopped listening to my parents trying to convince themselves I'd be happy here. The scenery will be great Mom. I'll make grades for the first time in years Dad. I stared out the window and imagined a hundred thousand ways of leaving, of getting my junk. Maybe I wouldn't shoot up, I'd want it so bad. Just snort or smoke or something quick. Like pills. Or a gun. That'd be quick. Imagining cost me the entrance of a god, a moment with out the light to worship by.  
  
The Sheep Herder, going by the pseudonym of Peter, introduces us and the sound of the One's name makes me fight the urge to run my hands over my body. Our hands touch in greeting and I wish to kiss the holy hand, wish to be touched, longer. My thoughts break away again.  
  
Why is a fallen angel in front of me? How many clouds were lost in the plunge? What wrong did everyone else here do? Why am I here? And will they guess? Maybe they've seen my kind before. Maybe I stand out in the midst or the pierced and scarred faces. Maybe everything will come out and then what? Then what. I fight the urge to laugh from the sheer insanity of it all- I'm supposed to tearing down the green curtain, not speaking more lies into the bull horn. The truth never came easily to me anyway. But if I laugh I'll scare my deity away- I wonder again why this One is here, but maybe all things will be revealed. Maybe I won't have to hide; maybe all things will be exposed. And maybe.  
  
And maybe I hate myself. And maybe I hate them for talking on and on and not letting me think! Why can't they let me dwell on a world where everything is perfect and gray and sedated and there are no thunderclouds and lots of docks to moor to and hide under and I can grow up to be some one but me. Anyone but me. Charles Manson is better than me. He doesn't do like me. And I don't hate myself there, I don't hate any part of myself and I can be- "Honey?" ask the ones who claim to be my parents but they can't be because they thrust me here, to be saved. Like I won't revert back to dark once they muster up the guilt to call me home. I fight the urge to yell at them, to remind them not to call me that, to let me grow up. "We're leaving." With a hug and a kiss they finally leave. And it's just the three: me, Colonel Peter, and the One with the chin spike.  
  
"So Rowan, why don't you show Jaime around?" And I fight the urge to bounce off the walls. Wonder if they'll medicate me here. And maybe.. 


	2. Let it rain

5 Years Earlier  
  
I thrust my toes into the wet sand and broken shells at the water's edge. I was waiting. The excuse I gave myself for being out at such a late time, for crawling through my window, was that I was meeting my best friend, Ricky. But in actuality, Ricky was just a front. Something else was coming and I wanted to know what. "Hey Jaime," he said, plopping down in the sand next to me.  
  
"Hey," I replied, thinking for a moment on the verbal frenzies conversations were.  
  
"Did you hear about Green Day's new album? I hear they're calling it 'Nimrod'." Ricky remarked, starting off a new conversation.  
  
"Yeah, and I'm so buying it- I hope it's as shibby as 'Dookie' was."  
  
"I liked 'Insomniac' more though." Ricky attempted to defend his favorite CD, but half heartedly. He knew that if he started me on the topic of music or a band I liked that it was his fault when I was still going on 45 minutes later.  
  
"I think they were trying too hard there, like trying to silence all the people who said they were too poppy to be punk. Although you can't deny that '39-Smooth' and 'Kerplunk' are the best of all their albums and LPs." He didn't bother to try and answer, hoping I guess that if he stopped talking I would too. And I did and he did and we sat in silence until he stood and pulled off his shirt, which looked even more worn out in the moonlight. As I reveled in the sight of his developing chest and tried to release my heart from the spot in my throat that it had jumped to, he pulled off his pants and shucked his shoes and socks. Standing before me, he announced, "Let's go swimming!"  
  
Normally I was all for Ricky's schemes but I shook my head, trying to scare away the feeling that something would go wrong tonight, I'd miss out on my great thing. "Dude, it's like 11 o'clock!"  
  
"C'mon Jaime," he pleaded, "Come into the water. Just for a little bit.."  
  
"I..."  
  
"If I drown while you're sitting there I'll tell God on you and you'll get in trouble!" I laughed and he smiled like a little child who made a parent forget he broke a window by making a joke about the ball or the bat, escaping a punishment.  
  
I stripped down to my underwear, and let the cold water shock me and Ricky did the same. What'd I expect? It might be California but it was still March. Not exactly beach weather. Letting instinct take over we caved into ourselves, trying to get warm, letting the water wash over our hair and guarantee frostbite in the morning. Ricky looked at me and grinned, "Isn't this g-g-g-great?" he asked, teeth chattering like they were playing a solo in a mariachi band. I just nodded and fought the urge to hit him upside the head, resorting to glaring instead. When we got out we'd be even colder and how was I going to explain wet sandy clothes to my parents in the morning?  
  
The waves pushed us closer together until we were almost on top of one another, trying to come up with enough body heat to be warm. "I think I'm g- g-gonna g-get out," I said.  
  
"I c-could p-pee and then we'd both b-be warm," he remarked slyly and I couldn't help laughing into his face as he laughed into mine. The, it happened. One moment we were laughing and the next- my lips betrayed me and did the unthinkable. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! What was wrong with me! I always ruin everything! "WHAT?!" he yelled, and backed out of the water like my lips had stung. I tried to stammer an excuse, and apology, something but I just ran out of the water. Grabbed my clothes and ran to hide under the boardwalk where the lights still shined. I huddled in my sandy costume, grit grating into my skin and snuffled once or twice. Like a child afraid of the dark or the unknown I curled into a ball. But, as I told myself, in the words of every father who's caught a son sobbing, boys don't cry. 


	3. People are Twisted

I really hate disclaimers and much as I want to, credit is not mine when it comes to the creator behind The Doors, Higher Ground, or the Earth as we know it. Fate hates me so. But weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I drank a Jolt yesterday and it still hasn't left my system!!!! (11 hours and counting.)  
  
Now  
  
Jaime stared back at Rowan, eye for eye, until Rowan shrugged and motioned for the boy to follow him. "So," questioned Rowan," where you from? You're about 16 right?"  
  
"Yeah. I'm coming from Lawrenceville but my real home is in Venice Beach." Jaime gave the answer, said the right words but wasn't really paying attention. Lack of anything to sedate him was starting to take effect and pretty soon every building and wall would have his footprints on it. He almost missed Rowan's response of "Hey! I used to live there. Went to JuV there too."  
  
"Really?" "Yeah. Don't sound too interested." "Sorry. It's just."  
  
"No prob. With drawl right?" Jaime snapped to attention. If Rowan could tell that much about him after x number of minutes then what else could he guess? Could people really figure things out that easy?  
  
People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wick when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down  
  
But then again, his was a rehab institute. Screwed up kid Purgatory. And 10 to 1 was that Rowan had been a junkie too, right? So he wasn't all- powerful. Just making a correct guess. Just a guess. But a guess was all someone would need to make in order to discover his secret. And then it's hit the fan.  
  
When you're strange Faces come out of the rain When you're strange No one remembers your name  
  
The two walked into the building to Group. Group. What an original name. Group. Where Rowan had jokingly remarked that 'all you're childhood fears and deepest secrets come to life'. When they reached the room with the aluminum chairs there were only two left unfilled. Rowan slid into the one next to the pretty African American girl and kissed her cheek. Heart stinging, choking back screams of anguish, Jaime plunked into the chair next to the Latino. "hey" said the Latino, "I'm Auggie." "Jaime"  
  
When you're strange When you're strange When you're strange  
  
"That's Daisy," (Goth) "Scott," (Prep) "Shelby," (Cheerleader) "Ezra," (no comment) "That's-" "I'm JULES!!!!!" (Bimbo slash Little Miss Merry Perky Sunshine) "And that's Kat." (Bitch) "So that's everyone but Sophie and you know Peter. But they should be here any moment now so Group will start."  
  
"What is Group, anyway?"  
  
"Basically Peter or Sophie ask a question and we answer. You can pas but then you have to say why you passed so it sorta defeats the purpose of pass because you and up saying it anyway."  
  
"Uh huh. Sounds complex."  
  
People are strange when you're a stranger Faces look ugly when you're alone Women seem wick when you're unwanted Streets are uneven when you're down  
  
"What about Meds and stuff?"  
  
Rowan chose to answer this question. "Technically it's a no no but I get them for my depression, which is in the masochistic range and everyone if afraid that without them I'll outs myself. Or try to again. An' I have an insomnia problem, like not being able to relax, so I get pretty white pills for that too. Why?"  
  
"I have that ADHD thing so without something to sedate me I'll be knocking down walls. An that can get messy."  
  
"If you're files or parents told Peter or Sophie than there you go. Otherwise I have no idea. Good luck then convincing."  
  
When you're strange Faces come out of the rain When you're strange No one remembers your name When you're strange When you're strange When you're strange 


	4. Cliches

Sophie looked exactly as Jaime had pictured. Cliché, he thought, we're all a bunch of clichés. "Well," Sophie said, " I'd like to introduce you all to Jaime Lanza. So, run the newbie drill."  
  
Everyone in the room took a turn to say their name and why they were there. Jaime made a mental list, along with a running commentary- Daisy- tried to kill her step-dad?! (That's major PMS! Stay away- far far away) Scott- drugs (probably steroids. Someone really wanted that varsity letter and that head cheerleader) Shelby- prostitution and running away (awwww. I feel so..not..sorry. Bet she's a bitch) Ezra- drugs (I'm sensing a pattern. But still, no comment) Jules- eating disorder (that's a given. Bet she had demanding parents too) cutting (bet she'd never use a knife. May ruin that peaches and crème skin. Bet cutting for her was scratching a scab with a safety pin) Kat- shoplifting (wow. That must be a serious crime in these here parts. What say you, Redneck Joe and Hillbilly Bob?) Rowan- (what does he man most recently?) grand theft auto Auggie-tagging (like gang tagging? Cattle tagging, aka branding? Cattle stampeding? Cattle screwing? Promoting cattle incest?! )  
  
Jaime gulped. "So, my turn? Um, well the short of it is I got caught. The long of it is I don't want to tell you more." He paused, waiting for the Spanish Inquisition, but Peter seemed used to people not wanting to explain, or talk about their pasts. Jaime began to jiggle his knees as Peter started the next question.  
  
"We're going to go around the room and each ask Jaime two questions, then you'll answer your own questions." The questions were pretty monotone and run of the mill with the exception of Daisy's 'What type of music do you listen to?' (The Used, Nirvana, The Clash, The Doors, Manson, Eminem, and Guster) that sparked a debate between Rowan, Daisy, Auggie and himself on who had the better act: Manson or Eminem. But then Rowan asked, "What are your drugs of choice and what cultural icon do you affiliate yourself with?"  
  
Peter started to protest but then Jaime blurted out, "Smack, speed, and prescription pills. You?"  
  
"Everything. But pills, smack, cigarettes, inhalants and if I'm really drugged, Molotov's cocktails." Daisy laughed. "OK, nay to the Russian but everything else still stands."  
  
"Alright. But what do you mean by the cultural icon thing?" asked Jaime.  
  
"I think of everyone can be affiliated with a dead cultural figure. Like I see myself as James Dean, the original rebel without a cause."  
  
"Really?" asked Peter.  
  
"Yeah, and I see you as Stalin." The Group started to laugh and Peter attempted to restore by threatening Rowan with some thing called shuns (What' that, were you get to be social outcast for the day?).  
  
"Very funny," said Sophie.  
  
"Ok, so take. Daisy. I see her as Frances Farmer. And Sc-"  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"Take it as a compliment! She's cool. So as I was saying before I was oh so rudely interrupted, Scott is more of a Sid Vicious."  
  
"Why am I Sid?" (Wait, Jock boy gets to be the sneering face of punk? That's just wrong. Like pirate radio with a corporate sponsor wrong.)  
  
"Because you have your own Nancy." (Who's his Nancy? Some ex girlfriend who stalked him?)  
  
"Oh." (Think Jock boy, think)  
  
"But back to the question that sparked the controversy- Jaime, who do you see yourself as?"  
  
(Am I answering wrong?) "Jim Morrison."  
  
"Ah, the Lizard King. I think we're off to a good start." (Are we?) 


	5. Sedation

Jaime felt sedated, medicine ingested. The thing about being off meds, was that you felt freer. Like in the mist of leaving your footprints and handprints on everything around you were being true to yourself. You felt like you were moving so fast nothing could catch up, like nothing could touch you. Superman. And meds were your kryptonite, because they slowed you down to the point of being able to be hurt. Hurting was bad. Very bad. Pain, blood could be good but only if it brought you back to flying.  
  
Auggie came over to where Jaime sat on the depilated couch. "So you got your meds?" Jaime nodded, feeling too lethargic to speak. He hadn't been on medication, real medication, for a long time. Drugs had always sedated him in all the right ways, but still letting him be Superman.  
  
But then the thought always came to him, late at night, whether he was lying in bed or on someone else's back seat, or if he was sleeping on the streets, or pawing through another medication cabinet, you're no Superman. You're just Robin, or maybe. maybe.  
  
  
  
You're just Wonder woman. 


	6. Blunt

Disclaimer- Heh. Don't you know? I own everything. I'm really Bill Gates.  
  
Dwayne walked into the "living room", TV on and blaring an English football match that only Rowan seemed to be watching. Every time the announcer spoke, Rowan's lips twitched, as if he wished it enough, he could have a conversation with him, could speak his native tongue.  
  
Dwayne stood there uncomfortably for a moment, taking in everyone, noticing the newbie- what's his name- Jackie, no, Jaime, sitting on the couch. Rowan noticed him after a moment or two, "'lo Dwayne. Back early."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well that's what I need to talk to you about. Perhaps we can step outside for a second? You might wanna hear this in private."  
  
"Why? Your pregnancy is nothing to be ashamed of- I want everyone to know." Any feelings of couth that Dwayne had left him at that moment; he had grown tired of Rowan's snide remarks.  
  
"You really want to know? Well, you have a brother." Rowan jumped up, yelled, What?!, looking as if he had suddenly realized he was in a nightmare, looking for something that told him Dwayne was joking. Dwayne bit his tongue. Perhaps he shouldn't have been so blunt. 


	7. Huggle

There were a lot of boys walking around, thought the little boy. Which one was his brother?  
  
He watched a big boy get closer. He had funny blue hair. And a cigarette. But he looked so scared. The little boy clutched Captain Spoon Bear Man tighter. The boy with the blue hair had his head down and was followed by Dwayne. The little boy liked Dwayne. He let him get the big kids meal and didn't yell at him when he couldn't finish all of it.  
  
Dwayne and the blue haired boy stopped in front of the little boy. Dwayne knelt down so he and the boy and Captain Spoon Bear Man were all the same height. "Hey Gabe, Captain Spoon Bear Man. Remember how I said you had a brother?" The little boy remembered. "Well, this is him. Rowan," the big boy looked up, "this is Gabe. Gabe, this is Rowan." Dwayne left then, and Gabe couldn't see why.  
  
Rowan knelt down. He had metal growing out of his chin and the space between his eyes. "Hi," he said.  
  
"Hi," said Gabe. He clutched Captain Spoon Bear man tighter. "This is Captain Spoon Bear Man."  
  
"Hi Captain Spoon Bear Man." Gabe gulped and made sure Captain Spoon Bear Man's ears were firmly covered. He whispered, "Wanna know a secret?" Roan nodded and leaned his head forward. "Captain Spoon Bear Man isn't really a superhero. He thinks he is, but he's really just a teddy bear. But don't tell him I told you! K?"  
  
Rowan smiled a little. "K. So how old are you?"  
  
"I'm 5 but I'm gonna be 6 in March! How old are you?"  
  
"17 but I'll be 18 in April."  
  
"Oooooooo." That as almost as old as Momma. "Did those hurt?" asked Gabe, pointing to the metal studs.  
  
"No, not really. Wanna touch them?" Gabe put his fingers on the stud on Rowan's chin. The metal warmed quickly under his hands. Captain Spoon Bear Man touched the spike between Rowan's eyes with his paw. "I have an extra stud if Captain Spoon Bear Man wants an eye brow ring."  
  
"Ummmmm, ok!" "Just have Captain Spoon Bear Man say when."  
  
"In 5 minutes?"  
  
"OK, sure."  
  
"K." Gabe thought for a moment and then blurted out, "Am I going to stay here with you?" Momma wasn't here and Dwayne was nice and Rowan was nice and maybe he would get another big kids meal here. He could finish that one.  
  
Rowan licked his lips; he looked nervous. "I dunno." Gabe leaped on him and hugged him. Maybe he could stay now. Rowan flinched and then slowly hugged him back. Gabe got sad for a moment. Momma always flinched. But then Captain Spoon Bear Man whispered from where he was squished between Gabe and Rowan, "Momma never hugged back." 


	8. Monsters

Gabe clutched Captain Spoon Bear Man and tried to slow his breathing. At least Rowan wasn't a Troll.  
  
i No Troll here. No Troll here. But there wasn't always a Troll. Rowan could be a Troll. /i  
  
Gabe gulped. He stood next to Rowan's bed and gently prodded his shoulder. "Wake up," whispered Gabe. Rowan stirred but slept on. Gabe poked him again, a little harder. "Please wake up," he said a little louder. He poked him a few more times, Captain Spoon Bear Man even taking a few jabs, until Rowan started to sit up. "Gabe?" he asked sleepily, "what's wrong? You wanna me to get Dwayne?"  
  
"Um, no."  
  
i Please don't let him yell. Please don't let him get mad. Please don't let him do like Momma would /i  
  
"Um, Captain Spoon Bear Man, he, he," Rowan just sat there, waiting and Gabe gulped again. His throat was dry. "He wet the bed." Gabe squeezed his face together, waiting for the slap and yelling. "He didn't mean to. He just didn't know where the bathroom was and he'll never do it again and and and."  
  
Rowan cursed very softly and Gabe slowly backed up a little bit. "Gabe, it's ok. Accidents happen. Do you have clothes to change into? Like underwear and stuff?" Gabe shook his head a little and realized Rowan probably couldn't see him. "I have underwear."  
  
"Can you wear just that?"  
  
Gabe shook his head. "No, not just underwear."  
  
i No no no no no no no no./i  
  
"Um ok. How about this- do you still have to go to the bathroom?" Gabe said softly no. "You want me to show you where it is, just in case? You can grab your other underwear and change in the bathroom." Rowan grasped his shirt and pulled it off, handing it to Gabe. "Here, wear this ok? I'll go pull the sheets off your bed. You can sleep in mine and I'll grab the floor." Gabe whispered ok.  
  
He was still waiting to be yelled out. Maybe he would be yelled at in the bathroom. The no one would hear Rowan scream at him. Sometimes Momma would do that. Then the Troll would come out. Gabe took the shirt and went into his bag. He wished Dwayne was in here too. Why couldn't he have his own room? He always had his own room. Always. He wanted his own room. Shaking, almost ripping Captain Spoon Bear Man's arm off his body in fear, he followed Rowan to the bathroom. But Rowan didn't follow him in. Gabe closed the door and changed. When he got out Rowan had stripped the streets off his wet bed and must have got rid of them magically because Gabe didn't see them. "Here you go," said Rowan, motioning to the other bed, sheets dry. Gabe yawned. The sheets looked warm and comfy. But first.. "Can you make sure there aren't any monsters?" Rowan nodded and knelt down.  
  
"Couple but nothing that Captain Spoon Bear Man can't handle." Gabe fingered Captain Spoon Bear Man's new eyebrow ring. Captain Spoon Bear Man thought the stud made him look cooler, like Rowan. Gabe wasn't sure if he wanted a stud too. Maybe Captain Spoon Bear Man would be willing to share. Gabe climbed into the bed and Rowan lay down on the floor. Gabe lay there for a few moments and said, softly, "Um, Rowan?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Can you sleep with me? I'm still scared of the monsters. Sometimes Momma will just lie down until I fall asleep. Please?" Rowan sighed and stood up. He lifted up the covers and lay down. Something made a loud noise in the dark and Gabe launched himself onto Rowan's bare chest and held tight. "Don't let the trolls get me!" he said and Rowan hugged Gabe. "I won't, Gabe. I swear to God, I won't." Gabe relaxed against Rowan's warm chest. He felt safe. If only Momma was here too. 


	9. Dream Sequence

Realize that this story comes before my Fast and The Furious one (I blame all of you for incessantly reviewing-enablers). But wait- keep reviewing, just go read that one too, just because you all should love me so. It shouldn't be beyond the capacities of man to love. Sadly, what should be doesn't always come true.  
  
"Dream Sequence"  
  
Jaime remembered having a brother. Sitting at the sticky table with Mom and Kyle. There was an empty seat at the table, a presence that sat there that didn't eat, didn't partake in the strained conversation or the over salted food. Mom motioned for them the out the food back into the greasy bags. "We'll eat in the car."  
  
They sat in the car, Kyle in shot gun and Jaime actually getting the whole backseat to himself. When they stopped at a red light, Mom shook silently, tears almost dripping on the vinyl. Kyle patted her back awkwardly while Jaime tried to think of something supremely comforting and witty, hopeful and everything he wasn't at the moment, to say through a mouth of fries. "It'll be ok," Kyle had said. It wouldn't be- he followed Daddy and left 3 days later, his pillow bearing a note that said, "I'm sorry". He left Jaime to be the strong one.  
  
Jaime hadn't wanted to be the secret holder. Secrets burned more than Tabasco Sauce; hurt more than seeing another bruise on Kyle. Secrets were hiding the postcards, ignoring the teachers, sneaking out the window, stealing the money to send out- a new wave care package.  
  
Jaime remembered wanting to forget, trying to bleed veins free of tainted blood that passed through the sons. 


	10. Heart on the Tongue

Disclaimer- I don't like people today.  
  
Dwayne entered the single room and saw one mattress stripped of its sheets. His eyes snapped to the other bed where Rowan clasped Gabe to his bare chest, the young cheek resting on pockmarked skin. Dwayne's heart sat upon his tongue- children who had been abused rarely ever broke the cycle completely- why would he think Rowan would be any different? He should take Gabe away, get him into a good home, it wasn't like he'd ever see his mother again.  
  
Rowan was staring at the ceiling, his breathing shallow. "It's not what you think," he said. Then tell me what to think, Dwayne's psyche pleaded. "He wet his bead so I gave him mine and loaned him my shirt- he refused to sleep in his underwear, I don't know why. So I as on the floor and he said he was afraid so I lay down just for a moment and I fell asleep, and he on me. I didn't mean to sleep here, Dwayne." Dwayne didn't say anything, mind attempting to believe him. "I swear to God Dwayne, I wouldn't do anything like this. Please believe me. C'mon, you have to believe me. God, I'd never do that to anyone, not after Frank."  
  
Dwayne thought for a moment. Gabe needed Rowan like Rowan had needed Sara. Both of them needed a family; Dwayne wished yet again that he could be the one they'd count on but he knew it wouldn't happen- that would mean giving in, on some small mental level, and neither of them were the giving in type- that was acquainted to death in at least one of their minds. "I know," said Dwayne. "I came to tell you that you're allowed to smoke. We know you do it anyway and as long as you don't do it blatantly."  
  
"Like a take care of Gabe and get nicotine kind of a thing?"  
  
"Yeah, something like that."  
  
"I don't know. A kid, a brother." Chose Gabe, thought Dwayne. Chose the one person who still has full faith in you. Chose Gabe. 


	11. Rainstorm on the Mind

Disclaimer: Go away. Please  
  
Jaime  
  
I woke up early, my headphone's cord twisted around my neck. I pulled a little on the wire but it didn't tighten, didn't cut me off. I clicked my tongue stud against the backs of my teeth- probably cracking the enamel off. I didn't care- teeth meant speech and speech mean thought and thought was overrated.  
  
I thought about the past two weeks. My meds had kept with drawl from really taking effect. Just one or two days where it was like I was PMS-ing. Everyone pretty much understood and backed off. After that it as like I was welcome to the club- you went through the trial so welcome to the recovering-teenagers society.  
  
Rowan had missed those days- he had a trial for his auto theft. I had heard a bit more about him- everyone seemed to be reluctant to talk about anyone's past but his or her own like- "I-went-through-this-this-AND-this- so-bow-to-me!!" Too bad I can't really pity anyone but me.  
  
I was on kitchen duty (evidentially you're not supposed to skip Group) when Rowan came slumping back, refusing to look at anyone. Hen Rowan came back he seemed pissed and blocked off. I heard over dirty dishes Dwayne (Rowan's case worker and new addition to the Horizon staff- yippee) saying that Rowan had been eaten alive on the stand  
  
But Rowan had started to talk again, and not just to Gabe anymore. I wished he would talk only to me. Well, I'd share him with Gabe but that's it. And definitely not Kat.  
  
Someone stirred and I sat up. Today was the big day (huzzah)- Group Torture. Hiking and camping- what fun. Maybe I could convince my Group Leader to roast me over the fire along with the marshmallows.  
  
I fished through my twisted sheets to find gray and black wool hat that I could pull over my eyes and ears, blocking off the world, because I could go without talking and to feel things you needed to be touched, and I wouldn't let anyone do that. I pulled my hat low over my eyes- like a rainstorm on my mind. 


	12. I have

Disclaimer: Go look at the last disclaimer. Follow those instructions after smacking yourself upside the head because I can't reach you.  
  
"So," said Peter. "Our last Group together for a week. I bet you're all crying inside." No one said anything. Group wasn't really all that important at the moment- hike group assignments were. "So, since no one is jumping to agree or not with me I'll just assume you're all eagerly anticipating today's fill in. Rowan, you start. I have______"  
  
"I have no desire to prove that I exist. Your turn Jaime."  
  
"I have problems I don't want to tell you about. Have fun Daisy."  
  
"I have questions about you. Infatuate us with your wit, Shelby"  
  
"I have a love in my life and a knife up my sleeve. Go Freakin'."  
  
"I have an actual name, Shelby."  
  
"So?"  
  
"OK, OK," interjected Peter. "Kat, your turn."  
  
"I have, um, I have, visions of you. Scott."  
  
"I have a stepmother that I hate. Jules." While Jules babbled on about her having love and that being all you needed, Jaime relooked at Scott. He had spit out the word mother like it was venom, like he wanted it to strike someone. Jaime remembered what Rowan had said about Scott's Nancy when Jaime had questioned him, 'Nancy' had used him, had broken the bond Scott had with his dad. Why would Scott's step mom be his Nancy? Jaime was brought back to the piney room by Peter's fantastical wisdom, which seemed to be something a Disney movie would say, a Grandmother Willow's- "We all have something and want something else. The trick is to want what you have." Jaime pondered the thought for a moment and then dropped it. Why would he want what he had? "So, your groups for the hike. Let's see. traveling with Sophie will be Rowan, Jules, Shelby and Jaime." Jaime breathed in sharply and glanced at Rowan's face. He kept it turned towards the ground, as he had for the pat few days. "In my group shall be Scott, Auggie, Kat, Daisy and Ezra. Because my group has one more person, Dwayne will be coming with us too. Now if you inspect these groups carefully you'll notice we separated all couples. Can anyone think of why? " Not all, thought Jaime, maybe not all. 


	13. Poetry and Razors

Disclaimer- What?  
  
"Please, God, do not inflict upon me sing alongs," Jaime said softly as his group began to trek out. Rowan snorted, proving that at least two people walking were alive- Jules and Shelby were still sniffling over the temporary absence from their one true loves; Sophie was concentrating on how to force everyone into a happy, smiling mood. Already everyone had fallen into their hiking positions for the day and what seemed to be the rest of the trip: Sophie forging ahead, Shelby and Jules making up the middle and trading verbal thorns, Jaime walking slightly ahead of Rowan, neither talking all that much.  
  
They walked and hiked and so on and so forth until dusk when they stopped in a clearing and pitched their tents, boys in one, girls in the other and Sophie in a lonely tent all by herself. They ended up finishing the evening by sitting around the crackling fire, soaking in the heat and the flying embers, waiting to see if Group would follow them to the middle of the woods. It did.  
  
"So, I'd like everyone to go to their tents and get their treasured item from their bags." Jaime looked at her blankly. "You know? The one we asked you specifically to bring?" The light bulb in his head clicked on, on its last watt. He went and rummaged though his bag. Rowan didn't move from his spot net to the fire. "Are you going to get your item Rowan?"  
  
"Have it on me." The fire crackled louder than Rowan's voice.  
  
"OK then. So Rowan, why didn't you eat dinner? You have to eat, you know, we're hiking, your body burns energy quickly. You have to take care of yourself."  
  
"I wasn't hungry. Drop it."  
  
"You have to talk at some point."  
  
"I have to do nothing." Jaime grabbed the book he was looking for and scrambled back outside. Jules and Shelby immerged not long after. "So, Rowan, why don't you start us off? How about you pass around your item and tell us all what it is and why it's so important to you?" Rowan reached into his wallet and pulled forth a photo. He passed it to Jaime who looked at the teenage girl with the red hair who held a little boy of about 5.  
  
"It's my sister and me, when I was 6 and she was 14." Jaime could see the likeness- the high cheekbones, the piercing blue eyes. All must have not been peachy at home because the girl had a bruise on her wrist and another on her arm and Rowan had a black eye; neither smiled. Neither seemed to look Jaime in the hazel eye, their blue ones looking off into the distance. Jaime flipped the picture over, seeing Gabe smiling at him on the other side. He too had the blue eyes that refused to look at the viewer full in the face. Jaime passed the picture on.  
  
"How old was your mom when she had Sara? You have an 8 year difference between you and her and an 11 year distance between you and Gabe," Sophie attempted to draw Rowan into a conversation, strike up a verbal frenzy.  
  
"Sara's mom was 16 when she had Sara. My mom was 14 when she had me. I guess she was 25 when she had Gabe."  
  
"You and Sara have different moms?" asked Jules, sounding confused.  
  
"No, she just had multiple personalities, one of which had no concept of time and could give birth to me before Sara but magically made Sara 8 years older." Jaime tried not to laugh. Rowan's sarcasm was still intact. As the picture came back in to Rowan's hands, Jules held up a CD.  
  
"This is my signed copy of a Brittany Spears CD. My mom put it into my bag right before I left."  
  
"Awwww," said Shelby, sickenly sweet, "did your mommy write your name on your undie wear too?"  
  
"No! She put in the CD into my bag so I could remember exactly what she wants me to look like. And exactly what I'm not!!! I hate this CD! I hate Brittany! I hate my mom!" Jules stood up and threw the CD into the fire. Everyone flew back as the flame engulfed the CD, the flames growing large. Immediately it began to stink of burned plastic. As Jaime reclaimed his seat, he noticed that Rowan hadn't budged. The muscles on his face contorted though, giving Jules a small smile of approval.  
  
Cautiously Shelby went next, holding up tickets to Romeo and Juliet on Ice, along with the program from the performance. She explained why it was important, but as usual, Jaime wasn't paying attention. His attention when captured by the owl that sat in the tree across the fire. Rowan nudged him. It was his turn. "Um, I have the book "The American Night" by Jim Morrison. It's a book of his writings and stuff."  
  
"You weren't kidding when you said you saw yourself as the Lizard King," remarked Rowan quietly. "No- the Doors are my favorite band. " "What's your favorite poem?" asked Rowan.  
  
"'Probably Do You Have'."  
  
"Do you have/ straight jackets for the guests/yes we do," recited Rowan. "Yeah, I like that one. 'L' America' is good too."  
  
"Acid dreams and Spanish queens, all the way. 'Please Like Me' is awesome."  
  
"Yeah," Rowan agreed, ignoring Sophie and Shelby and Jules who wanted to know what as going on. "I like 'Celebration of the Lizard' too."  
  
"So," cut in Sophie, "with Group over and done with, why don't we all head off to bed? Course if you want to sit and watch the fire, well have fun but we're not going to slack of on tomorrow's hike for your tired limbs. Last one to bed down banks the fire. Remember how Peter showed you?" they mumbled assent and Jaime headed into his tent.  
  
When he remerged Roan was sitting by the fire alone, face in the shadows. "Thought you were heading into sugar plum dreams," said Rowan.  
  
"I only have nightmares."  
  
"You're not alone."  
  
"Not when you have voices in your head." Rowan didn't reply, just sat there and watched the log turn to ash. They sat here for a long time and Jaime let his thoughts free fall, let them touch nothing and everything. That's the way he liked it. Without thinking, he pushed up the sleeves on his gray sweatshirt, the flames that said Alice in Chains scrunching up his arms.  
  
"Those why you're here?" Jaime, startled, turning to Rowan, who motioned to his wrists. Jaime looked at his wrists; the angry sinews slicing up and down his flesh. "No," he said. "Those are from a couple of years ago. My mom still hasn't noticed."  
  
"Oh. Too bad if they were for attention." Jaime mumbled no. "Didn't think so. So what are you here for?"  
  
"I got caught rooting through a medicine cabinet. I was pretty high, and not in my house nor the house of anyone I knew."  
  
"You did this often?"  
  
"Yeah, I'd go to a bunch of house, break in, swallow and steal bottles and sell what I didn't keep."  
  
"Nice idea."  
  
"It was. But the police didn't feel the same. My parents sided with the police."  
  
"Alas."  
  
"Yeah. So why are you here?"  
  
"Well, that can be summed up in a song." Rowan cleared his throat and Jaime waited, anticipating, eager. Rowan began to sing (to the tune of 'Mary had a Little Lamb') "Rowan beat the crapoutaguy Rowan beat the crapoutaguy Rowan beat the crapoutaguy! Sooo now he's here steadofJuV!!!!!"  
  
Jaime started to laugh, the first real laughter in a long time to escape his lips. Rowan smiled and then cautiously joined in. The two sat and laughed and murmured bits of poetry to each other, verses half remembered by both. They compared razor scars, discussed brands. The fire burned lower.  
  
From 'Celebration of the Lizard' by Jim Morrison- . Once I had, a little game I liked to crawl, back into my brain I think you know the game I mean I mean the game called "go insane"  
  
Now you should try, this little game Just close your eyes, forget your name Forget the world, forget the people And we'll erect, a different steeple  
  
This little game I fun to do. Just close your eyes, no way to lose And I'm right there, I'm going too Release control, we're breaking Thru  
  
Burrow back into the brain Way past the realm of pain Back where there's never any rain." 


	14. Heat

Wrapped up in his cocoon of blanket Jaime tried to breathe, tried to calm down. If what Rowan was saying, then he was not the only male prostitute at Horizon, like he had first thought. "I was too but I never got busted."  
  
Rowan was quiet. "You kidding?"  
  
"No. In Lawrenceville, when I was like 13, until I got shipped here. If I needed extra cash." Rowan rubbed Jaime's back cautiously, still holding back but still comforting. Jaime couldn't help it, groaned, let words he couldn't say moan out. Rowan snuffed out his cigarette, taking his hand off the small of Jaime's back and Jaime rolled onto his back, the skin feeling cold without the hand on it. He couldn't look at Rowan. Secret was out. "Look, I'm sorry, I really am. Just please don't tell anyone. I swear I'll do anything you want. Just please don't tell anyone. Please-"  
  
"Shut up." Rowan slowly lay down next to Jaime, turned and kissed Jaime, pinned him with his lips. Slid on top, under the covers. Skin on skin and heat. So much heat. Heated blood where a cut broke and where Rowan bit him. Heat and panting, moaning, panting, groaning. Rowan had to ask what he thought and the word Jaime muttered was hot and sweaty off his tongue. Confusion. "That's all?" Rowan angered, slid out and pulled off his back. The Peter appeared. Peter? And Rowan pointed at him and yelled FAG and everyone hard him. And Jaime woke up with the word wringing in his ears, sleeping bag wet. Oh god, could Rowan hear him gasping, could he have talked in his sleep? 


	15. Liar

Disclaimer- Cookies? Where? What? Short memory? Who?  
  
Next Morning  
  
Jaime trudged along, back pack a little lighter than yesterday's. He had already pulled himself off the trail to puke up breakfast, last night's dream pulsing in his throat, pushing on the back of his tongue. He knew that Rowan could hear his retching from the three feet away that he stood, waiting, and with each heave Jaime willed his feelings to tumble into the bushes, to be pulled up with the acid and stomach lining.  
  
He tried to not lift his feet too much, thought maybe if he walked slow enough he could be left behind. But no matter how slow he walked, Rowan made sure to walk slower, reluctant to give up his place as last in the line. He didn't speak anymore, hadn't said a word since last night's verbal frenzy on poetry and razors. He hadn't eaten breakfast either, but Sophie had made him take 2 energy bars. One of those energy bars was thrust into Jaime's hand. "Take it," Rowan said softly, not wanting Sophie to hear. Like she would. Jaime put it carefully into his bag. He didn't want to eat until his stomach stopped churning but it was something Rowan had touched.  
  
Jaime sighed. So throwing up hadn't upchucked his heart too. Damn. Maybe I should stop lying to myself, he thought. Maybe I should actually accept the fact I have a rush on Rowan, that I'm in love with him, and that he and Ricky were joined in the way they didn't feel the same. But he didn't know that yet about Rowan. Maybe his dream had meant something; maybe Rowan felt the same way!  
  
Jaime sighed cynically. Yeah right. Who the heck would fall in love with me? My God, I sound like a 13 girl with a bad case of PMS. He tripped over a root he wasn't paying attention to, sprawling out on the dusty past, scraping his right palm full of dirt and bits of twigs and rocks, and ripping a hole in his cargo pants.  
  
Rowan offered his hand and shakily Jaime took it. He smeared blood on the olive skin and began walking again, trying to stop lying to himself. 


	16. Worth

Disclaimer- dia dhuit (thanks Emer!). Sorry it's taken me so long but- oh wait. I don't have a good excuse. I've been holing this chapter hostage for no reason at all. Drat. ** ** ** ** **  
  
Jaime stared at the canvas ceiling, alone in the tent after another long day's torture. Rowan was outside smoking; Jaime weighed begging for nicotine against questioning the meaning behind his dream. Him and Rowan. but no! It couldn't work, it wouldn't work. Such things did not happen to happen. God, if any God existed for him, existed only to torment, to see how much pain Jaime could bar before folding. Like what the parental unit would do to Kyle.  
  
(Flashback to 9 years prior) Jaime chewed on his cross and Kyle looked out the keyhole. He turned, face calm but voice dreading, "He decided to stay home." Jaime didn't know what to say, other than to whisper, "oh no." Large comfort the two words gave.  
  
The two huddled in the closet, burying themselves behind rain boots and coats, trophies and trash once thought as treasures. Neither moved, neither talked, both waited, hoping that maybe tonight would be a good night. They hadn't much time to kill before their father opened the door they weren't allowed to lock (to keep them safe in case of an emergency) and stumbled inside, already stinking of the liquor cabinet.  
  
He checked under the beds, cursing the hard wooden furniture that purposely jumped into his way, for him to stumble against, to scratch and break corners off that hadn't busted off already. Then he came to the closet, and Kyle pushed Jaime's face into the wall, farther into the corner. He needn't have worried, as he was the one dragged from the cave straight into the reach of the dragon's limbs.  
  
Jaime gritted his teeth against the sharp cries that smacking bare young flesh with a belt caused. He wanted to help, to save Kyle. Last time he had tried he had been tossed into the wall, and Dad hadn't even noticed, caught up in the swack! the belt made against flesh, the rhythm of pain. Kyle had though, and yelled at him from behind swollen lips later. "If you start getting injured, who's going to believe that both of us get into fights, that both of us fall down stairs or into doors? Don't be stupid! Stay in the closet! Coming out means pain! You don't want that!"  
  
"I want to help you," Jaime whispered into thin wood of the closet walls. He didn't like small spaces, but anything, even a crawl space, as better than what had to come next. The belt stopped smacking, and Jaime heard pants fumbling, falling. Jaime wanted to scream sorry, please, to Him, match Kyle cry for cry. He just pushed his face harder and harder against the wall, began running his nails over the flesh of his arms, scratching, the pain making him almost but never quite equal to Kyle. One nail caught a scab, and Jaime breathed out in pleasure and pain as the long abrasion began to bleed again. Dad finished and started to leave the room, turning to tell Kyle, "Get your brother out of the closet." But Kyle just crawled into the small space, huddled into a corner, into a ball, whimpering. And Jaime wished he knew what to say. But he just scratched instead.  
  
(Present day)  
  
Jaime awoke from his Technicolor visions and squeezed his eyes tight. Still diamonds came from eyelids pinched together, carved down his thin cheeks, skin stretched tight from years of a lack of appetite. Sweating, he reached up and pulled his black and gray wool hat down, over his eyes and ears, stretching it too much (again) so it could cover his nose and mouth too. Immediately his face turned warm, heated by his breath, He tired holding his breath. Passing out never came with dreams included. 


	17. Cliffhangerit works on so many levels

Disclaimer- I will eventually think of a reason to hold a chapter hostage for reasons other than a power trip. Eventually  
  
Jaime rolled the clay between his thumb and index finger. He picked it up at that last stream they crossed- it was going dry now. He crushed it down again and then tossed it into the woods. He stretched his legs on the ground, his black UFO pants soaking up the green grass's dew.  
  
He stared at the gray cliff face and the weathered rope that smacked against the rock. He hoped Sophie would let them break a really long time because once she gave the word, there were to each start climbing. Sure, there was a harness but that looked older than the rope. Not to mention it had some suspicious stains.  
  
Sophie stood and clapped her hands. "Who wants to go first?" Jaime waited for blond curls to pop out. Rowan stood and walked over to the rope. "Ok, now just-no- wait! Rowan! Harness!" Sophie sighed and Jaime smiled when he heard, "I swear to God, if he falls I'll resurrect him and strangle him."  
  
When Rowan scaled back down, Sophie went to stand before him, grasped his shoulders in her hands, shook her head a little, and squeezed Rowan's shoulders. Jaime would have thought the gesture maternal but he couldn't know for sure. His mother rarely touched him, looked at him. Maybe she thought it was better to pretend he wasn't there, like then maybe his problems wouldn't be there either. Never worked. Maybe it worked for her now though; it wasn't like he could climb in his window when she locked the door - there was no trellis to scale and no curtains to push aside anymore. Rowan stood silent, didn't move, looked at Sophie but didn't seem to see her. She released his shoulders and motioned for Jaime to come and climb.  
  
(5 minutes, ok, 10, minutes later)  
  
It wasn't really that hard, thought Jaime as he removed the harness, which had sadly done its job, even when he had let go at the top, hoping to fall into a concussion. The rope had held though, and he doubted Sophie had noticed his "death" stunt. Shelby went next, as Jules as just a little too scared. Course Shelby didn't exactly want to go so it wasn't that big of a surprise that she used to the opportunity well in ribbing Jules.  
  
Jaime just gave in to his aching muscles and lay completely down, stared at the sky. "Well, Jules, are you going to go?" Jaime tuned all of them out and just watched the clouds dance across the sun. He looked up when he heard screams.  
  
From what he understood, the rope had finally broke- while Jules was at the top. She had fallen onto a ledge and seemed to be ok, except for the fact her shirt had ripped and she was bruised and scratched. Now the problem would be getting her down. Shelby screamed for Jaime and Rowan to "stop looking!! perverts!" and Jaime obliged, though his libido wasn't exactly jumping at the sight of Jules's half hidden breasts. The only benefit of being gay, he realized. Too bad he couldn't tell anyone. Rowan didn't turn his head thought, went to stand in front of the rock, looking at the sheer face that gave only the slightest of an incline. "Rowan? What are you doing?" Sophie sounded terse and Jaime couldn't understand why until Rowan shifted a few feet over to the left and started to climb up the slate. Jaime figured it was ok to turn around now and see if Rowan was going to die and take Jules with him.  
  
Rowan scaled the rock with no problem, using a knife he pulled from his pocket. Jaime felt awash with the feeling that this was not supporting Rowan's case. Jaime watched- 15 feet- 10 feet- then Rowan slipped, dropping the knife hilt, the blade lodged into the rock. From there Rowan scrambled onto the ledge that held the quivering ball that was Jules. They spoke for a moment or two and Rowan took off his T-Shirt so Jules could be "decent". Rowan grabbed Jules's hand in his (Jaime tried to ignore the pangs of jealousy that struck his heart) and half pulled, half cajoled Jules into walking along the narrow ledge till they came to the gentlest stretch of slope, littered with rocks and gravel.  
  
Jules sat down first, and Rowan pushed her, slightly harder than he needed to, but she half slid, half rolled down to the bottom. Sophie and Shelby ran over to console the hysterical teen while Jaime waited to see what Rowan would do; Rowan hesitated and for a moment Jaime couldn't see why. Then he realized that Jules had taken most of the gravel and looses stones with her, leaving jutting rocks for Rowan. He moved over a foot or two and started down the steeper slope. He seemed to slide fine until he hit a rock and flipped onto his stomach, left hand reached out and scraping the rocks for a hold. At the bottom he sat, leaned back, his stomach and chest bleeding from scratches and gingerly held up his hand, full of rocks and gravel that tore the once clean cut from the knife blade as blood flowed down his wrist. "Hey Sophie- think it's time to start trekking home. Who's up for it?" Jaime stared at Rowan's scars. 


	18. So Confessional

"So."  
  
"So."  
  
"I'm surprised Sophie didn't write down Group sentences for us to ask."  
  
"Yeah- bet she had a lesson plan on her or something."  
  
"Get the feeling she didn't pencil in the rope breaking?"  
  
"Or the radio getting wet!"  
  
"Yeah." He paused. "So you don't mind being told to stay behind with me?"  
  
"Not your fault the blood loss slows you down."  
  
"I should have thought out what I was doing."  
  
"Nah. You saved the day, oh Superman."  
  
"Yeah and now me and you get to toddle behind everyone else. Like we're the grandpas of the group."  
  
"We were never exactly keeping up with the group." I paused.  
  
"Jaime?" He spoke my name like it flowed easy off his tongue. Wish I had that gift was his. My tongue craved his name and always seemed reluctant to let it go, releasing it short and harsh. So I tried not to say it, though it echoed screaming through my mind.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I know you didn't really have a choice but. thanks. And thanks for not making a big deal out of the scars."  
  
"No prob." Really, the pleasure was all mine.  
  
"No really. I know I don't exactly have body crème selling skin." Your skin looked perfect to me.  
  
"It's not that big of a deal." Now what do I say? This is probably going to ruin the moment but the Curious George in me longs to know." Don't mean to be rude but how did you get so many?"  
  
"My dad. Foster care circuit. Fights. JuV. Myself."  
  
"You're a cutter too, right?" Damn. I should have said were. Now he'll think I still do it. I only dream about it.  
  
"Yeah. Cutting, hanging, anything that releases pain. In case you haven't noticed by now but I'm real intent on dieing."  
  
"Yeah- no one wants to say certain words around you. And no one seems to feel the need to tell dead baby jokes around you." And everyone walks on coals when they talk to you. Like now- am I going to get burned?  
  
"Well, I dunno why no dead baby jokes but yeah. Ever since I raided the nurse's office." What? Pills? Drugs?  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's right. You wouldn't know. About a month ago I kinda broke into the medicine cabinet in the infirmary literally- I smashed the glass-and stole a couple of bottles of pills. I ended up puking them all back up but you know. It was the thought that counted."  
  
"Yeah, generally that's all it takes. Unless you have my parents who are oblivious as all get out." Their only self defense mechanism.  
  
"Speaking of your parents, I noticed you don't look like either. Any reasoning behind that or am I going into private knowledge here?"  
  
"My dad ran off a long time ago. The guy you saw was my step dad. He's cool- he makes my mom happy. That's all that matters." Really. It is. My feelings mean nothing.  
  
"Got any siblings? And if I'm being a git, just slug me. You can hit injured Rowans. We like the pain." Breathe deep. Confession time.  
  
"My real dad used to hit and, rape my older brother Kyle. My mom found out and kicked my dad out when I was 8. My brother ran out like a week later. Couldn't take my mom always staring at him, the way everyone stared. I was looked at weird but Kyle- my brother- he always got it worse. Kyle was like 12 when he ran." Breath in. Air is good. Don't look at him. Don't look at the pity. Wonder how long he'll wait before telling everyone.  
  
"That sucks." Hmm- no pity. Weird. Maybe he's saving himself for a bigger sob story. "I know how you feel."  
  
"How?" Good job at keep that disbelief out of your voice Jaime. Way to treat the cripple-at-the-moment.  
  
"My sister- Sara? The picture? She, um, she committed suicide 9 years ago, when I was 8 too. She was 16. She died cause the night before my dad brought a guy home who paid my dad money to rape my sister. My dad joined in while I was locked in Sara and my bedroom. Next day my dad hands her a gun and she kills herself." Oh. So that's how he knows.  
  
"I'm sorry. I still-"  
  
Rowan kept talking. Getting it all out at once. "Then when I was 11 I was put with this fuck Frank who raped me and got me on the streets, turning tricks. Got me into drugs. Hate him so bad." Now what do I say? Rowan picked up a rock and chucked it at a far off tree, ringing true against the bark.  
  
"I still hear from Kyle. He hits me up for money. That's why I started prostituting. And in a sick way, I wanted to know what he went through. And then I started doing it more for drugs until I started raiding pill cabinets." Well I feel all exposed and tabloid-ish.  
  
Rowan didn't say anything for a moment. "Sucks."  
  
"Yeah. Most things do." We didn't say much, just stared at the weak fire. I look at Rowan's still dripping hand.  
  
"So while we're having this Oprah-esq. confession, is there anything else that needs to be said? Because I for one hate eggplant." Is this it? Should I say it? Just let go. The words jumbled from my mouth before I could control them.  
  
"I'm, I'm, I'm gay." He turned, his face, mouth about to say something. "And I kinda have a crush on you." Oh God.  
  
A/N Note- Topic of ironies and weird co-inky dinks: Jaime and Rowan lose their older siblings at age 9. I as going through my files and realized I made Rowan's fathers' middle name Jaime (look way back in Knife Thrower- Files and a Fight). And the older siblings abused by fathers. I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO THIS!!! And I want a cookie. Or whipped cream.. 


	19. Deal

"Oh."  
  
"I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry."  
  
"It's ok. Just-you know I'm dating Kat right?"  
  
"Yeah. It's just- I didn't mean- it all just kinda-"  
  
"Came out?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I didn't mean to say what I did about Frank. It's just been wanting to come out for so long."  
  
" Doesn't Peter drag it out during one on one sessions? We never talk much but there isn't much to say. To him I don't have any secrets so all he does is tell me how my parents are and ask if there is something I want to say."  
  
"Lucky. But no one talks about Frank. It's too taboo for recovery. And. And I could never tell them some things."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"Sometimes. I'd want it. or I'd ask to. you know. for drugs."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"We are both so screwed up."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"What if. I keep your secret and you tell no one about Frank?"  
  
"OK. But-"  
  
"Would it be ok if I talked about Frank again? I mean, not right now, nut some other time?"  
  
"Yeah. Could I talk about Kyle?"  
  
"No prob. I just don't think anyone her really gets what it's like to be a guy and a. prostitute."  
  
"Maybe Scott."  
  
"You still don't know his deal?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Not many people do but maybe one day he'll com clean."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"He's in th bunk above me. We both talk in our sleep. Hit someone awake enough times and you start to talk."  
  
"Oh. But what about."  
  
"Your crush?"  
  
Jaime nodded, too ashamed to speak.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
A/N- And here I was thinking I was going to update before anyone reviewed. Thanks mucha Kristyn(get a simpler name to spell cause no clue if I spelled that right) and Emer for reviewing so quick. Spoons to you! And random fact- at my last update I had written exactly 1000 words. Now I'm slightly over. 


	20. Stumble

The two stumbled into the clearing, sat (or rather fell) next to the water. One slowly unwrapped a stiff, rusty looking bandage from his hand and thrust the extremity into the sluggish water. He watched as the cool, clear water was stained red, as it flaked and peeled dried blood off his skin and pulled little rocks and dirt from the wound.  
  
The other boy, curly dark hair concealed underneath a wool hat, had knelt down next to injured boy, careful not to touch him. "How are you doing?" he asked, motioning to the hand.  
  
"Weak. I want to sleep."  
  
"You can't. What if you don't wake up?" The boy shrugged and removed his hand from the water as the other boy took fresh gauze to it, always careful not to the other's skin, or even to come close. "That's it!" the other yelled, eyes closed tight, and Jaime flinched back.  
  
Confused, Jaime wondered, What's it? What had he done? "I can't- I can't take it anymore. This walking on eggshells! We can't talk, we're freaked out to go within 3 feet of each other unless we absolutely have to which is gonna be a problem when I collapse and need you to drag me. This is stupid. And don't you dare apologize." Jaime bit down on his sorry. "There's got to be some other way." Jaime rolled off his knees and in to a sitting position, folded his arms around his knees.  
  
"I don't know." he sighed, totally at loss for anything. He hadn't been taking his meds while faltering his way through the woods with Rowan so that wasn't exactly helping the thinking process.  
  
"I don't care you're gay. It's more the crush thing that has me reeling." Jaime looked at the water dejectedly. When they got back to Horizon, Rowan was probably going to run away like Ricky did. "What if. What if one kiss?" Jaime looked at him, now seriously confused as apposed to being depressed and confused earlier. "I give you one kiss and then we forget. About your crush. K?"  
  
Jaime nodded, knowing it was going to be the best he was offered. Slowly the two leaned closer, unsure what to do, neither going by on a lot of experience; people didn't pay for kisses. Their faces and chins seemed to flow to positions that seemed natural. Their lips tilted and magnetized, pressed. Peeling lips and savaged lips touched; they entered each other's orbit. They kissed. Like a fairytale. Then they broke apart.  
  
Neither looked at the other and both looked into the distance. Finally Rowan stood. "C'mon," he said, "Horizon's a few miles away- we should be there soon." Jaime took his offered hand and stood. They two walked side by side with a universe of thoughts and what ifs between them.  
  
A/N Quickie question- I'm thinking of making this slightly more graphic Key term is SLIGHT. But I'm throwing this out for you guys. If more than one of you object then I'll chase that rabbit at a later date. If you guys are ok with it then I might peruse that option. The only problem would be that I might have to hang the rating so (I'll warm you before hand) be aware.  
  
Oh, and you should all go poke Emer until she updates either her Ballykissangel story of her Higher Ground ficcy. Poke! Poke! 


	21. Different Lifestyle

I sat next to Rowan's bed. Asleep Rowan looked- dare I say- peaceful? Innocent? The idea was cut short as Rowan grimaced and yanked his arm over his head, yanking out the IV needle. He groaned once and I tapped him lightly, not wanting to wake him up but not wanting him to be trapped in a nightmare. The door opened and Gabe bolted in, throwing books onto a chair, a teddy bear swinging from his hand, and stopped short, next to me. "He's asleep," I said, in case Gabe thought he was dead. I didn't know if this kid was messed up to or what. His cute, innocent looks kinda made it hard to analyze him psychologically.  
  
"He's never asleep." Gabe sounded shocked.  
  
"He'll wake up soon." Gabe looked shocked.  
  
"But I come NOW, after school. And he's not awake!" Gabe sounded hysterical.  
  
"Gabe, it's ok. He'll wake up soon. Ok? He's probably just tired." Gabe looked a little better. Maybe I should just keep taking. Get him talking. Hopefully Rowan would wake up soon- how much could I say to a 5 year old? "So, you go to school in town?"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"What grade are you in?"  
  
"1st."  
  
"Do you like it?" Gabe mumbled something. "Is that a yes?" Gabe mumbled something else. "Oook." We didn't say anything for a moment.  
  
"You're one of Rowan's friends, right?"  
  
"Yeah. My name's Jaime."  
  
"How come you never talk to anyone?"  
  
"I'm not a talkative person." Why did I get the feeling the roles had been reversed?  
  
"So why do you only talk to Rowan?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe I'm shy."  
  
"You're not shy. You're talking to me."  
  
"And you're all of what? 4?"  
  
"5 and a HALF!!!!! AN' I'M GONNA BE 6 IN MARCH!!!!!"  
  
"Ok, ok, sorry. You're all of what, 5 and a half and going to be 6 in March? It's not hard to talk to little ki- those younger than me by measurement of years."  
  
"So why can't you talk to people your own age?"  
  
"I dunno. We never have a lot in common. I've got a different lifestyle then them."  
  
"It doesn't matter if you're different. Everyone has something wrong with them. You can still have friends."  
  
"Rowan's my-"  
  
"Other than him."  
  
"What about you Mr. sesame street, Mr. lets all be best friends? You got any friends?"  
  
"I got Captain Spoon Bear Man. All the other kids are stupid."  
  
"Oh. So now the truth comes out. Somebody isn't Mr. sociable either."  
  
"I'm the new kid!"  
  
"So am I!"  
  
"So! You're older! You're smarter!"  
  
"So! You're younger and supposed to melt people's hearts and be well adjusted!"  
  
"What's well adjusted mean?"  
  
"Means you make friends easily."  
  
"Oh. But maybe I have a different life style then them."  
  
Ok, so now the kid is throwing words back into my face. Definitely a relative of Rowan's. "How different a lifestyle?"  
  
"Umm, umm, we like different TV shows. And I think Batman is the best and they don't. And, and, I like the color blue. Oh wait, they all like blue. Umm, I dunno! I just am! And how are you different?"  
  
"Well, I kinda, I kinda, I kinda like the color red and they all like blue." "See! You're not that different."  
  
"Or maybe he is. There are some things you don't need to know Gabe." Rowan turned his head towards us and sat up. Gabe shrieked and gave him a huge hug.  
  
"You're awake!" Rowan turned to me.  
  
"I notice you're not hugging me." Oh God. Shut up. What if the kid tells Kat or someone what you're saying and they figure it out. Did you mean something by the kiss that you didn't tell me? 'Cause I still think I'm in love with you.  
  
"Anything I do now will pale in affection."  
  
"Yeah. Gabe has that way about him."  
  
"Indeed. Oh- and breathe deep."  
  
"What? Wo! Gabe, when was the last time you took a bath?"  
  
"Um, a week ago."  
  
"What?! Why?!"  
  
"I didn't want to. What if a Troll came in or came out of the drain and got me?"  
  
"Gabe. tell you what. Go take a bath in my shower. K?"  
  
"But what if-"  
  
"I've been showering in there all week. No Trolls are going to pop out."  
  
"But how will I get the shampoo out of my hair?"  
  
"Take a shower then!"  
  
"I dun like showers- I always slip. And they hurt."  
  
"OK, so get in the tub and when you need the shampoo out of your hair call me and I'll come wash it out. Ok?" Rowan was beginning to sound terse but the corners of his mouth twitched up. Gabe scampered off to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.  
  
"Think he might be miffed."  
  
"OK right there, dead give away you're gay."  
  
"What? How?"  
  
"Do you hear straight people saying miff?"  
  
"I don't think miff is a word."  
  
"Should I care?"  
  
Point taken. "So that's Gabe."  
  
"No that's Ronald. Gabe comes in later."  
  
"Ronald? Now who's gay?"  
  
"Evidently both of us."  
  
"Gabe seems cool."  
  
"He is."  
  
"What's with the troll thing?"  
  
"I dunno. My mom probably threatened him with Trolls so he'd behave or something. She tried the same thing on me but by the time she thought of it I was already old enough to know that people are the monsters. My mom was a sick woman. I don't think she ever consciously realized she had a kid."  
  
"She was only 14 when she had you."  
  
"Yeah. I know. She originally tried to abandon me but that failed. The Irish government didn't get the hint and stuck me back with her. So went the cycle of neglect and abandonment that continued till I was 3 and I was stuck with my dad for good."  
  
"She was American right?"  
  
"Yeah. My Grand dad was in the army. Never met him. Or any other members of my mom's family. And most of my dad's."  
  
"Oh." Gabe yelled and Rowan heaved himself up, disappeared for a moment and came back in, hands and other body parts wet. "He splashed me! The second I opened the door he splashed me!"  
  
"You splash him back?"  
  
"Course. Caught him with the hose they have in there."  
  
"Oh. Rowan listen. I came here for a reason." "Oh?"  
  
"We need to talk about-"  
  
"No. I said we'd forget about it."  
  
"But I can't forget!"  
  
"Try."  
  
"I jack off thinking about it! I can't forget!" Gabe appeared wrapped up in a towel. "I need clean clothes." I sighed and stood, afraid my pants would be tight on me. "You're coming back tonight, right?"  
  
"Yeah. Be ready to be lectured in Group."  
  
"Uh huh." I walked to the door and left, on the search for a bathroom before Dwayne would come. 


	22. Spark

Reviews? Bitte? Maybe as a holiday treat? Eh.. Nollaig Shona to all of you!  
  
Jaime leaned against the dirt hill. He didn't feel like sleeping. He felt like scratching- so he did. It was right about now he had figured out a way to smuggle in razor blades or something sharp. Course the sharpest things around were pencils but maybe those could work. He heard a body plop next to him so he removed his hands from inside his sleeves. He skin probably had white marks on it now but he hadn't a cut to tear open. "Cigarette?" asked Rowan. Jaime looked at him. He had thought Rowan had finished off his last pack 2 days ago but maybe he had more smuggled away. Jaime nodded and took the stick. Maybe nicotine would do what his nails could not.  
  
"Afraid of the rats?"  
  
"What? Oh yeah. Those suspicious scratching noises Scott and now Ezra hear. Yeah, I'm terrified. You?"  
  
"I grew up around rats."  
  
"So. Gabe still pissed at you?"  
  
"Yeah. 2 days and running. I dunno what to tell him or what to do. I can't take care of someone else. I just can't."  
  
"Being Kat's boy friend is like taking care of someone. I. mean you're being there for her. And that's all you need to do for Gabe. Be there for him."  
  
"Look, I really don't want to get into me and you."  
  
"So when are we going to talk about it? Now might be better than ever. You might not want to discuss it but I do. Doesn't that count for anything?"  
  
"Have I told anyone you're gay? This is the best I can do for the moment! I can't, God. I can't deal with you and Gabe and Kat all at once."  
  
"Kat?"  
  
"Oh. Slip of the tongue."  
  
"Kat?"  
  
"She just seems to be a bit more.."  
  
"Kat-like."  
  
"Hey just because you don't have someone." Jaime glared at him, and then looked away, realizing no matter how pissed that comment made him Rowan couldn't see the cold stare. "Look, I'm sorry. That's low."  
  
"What do I care? Because I never talk to anyone means I don't have feelings. Right?"  
  
"Look I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"  
  
"And just come I'm gay means I'm never going to find anyone right!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Look, see, right there."  
  
"No really! Someone's coming!"  
  
"Oh." The two tossed their cigarettes into the dirt and watched them extinguish. But Jaime still stewed after the sparks died out. Dwayne walked up, face urgent, strides with a purpose.  
  
"Rowan, we need to talk."  
  
"Yeah. What's wrong?" Jaime didn't say anything. Let's ignore time was starting right about.. now.  
  
"Has Gabe been acting strangely?"  
  
"He is mad at me. That's why I've been sleeping in the dorms. He overheard someone talking about custody 2 days ago and he asked me if I was going to take custody of him."  
  
"What'd you say?"  
  
"No! Dwayne you know I can't take care of him! I want to."  
  
"So do it."  
  
"I can't! I just, I don't want to ruin him. Make him like me."  
  
"He already takes after you. Rowan, Gabe isn't in his bed or in his room or in the boy's dorm. We don't know where he is."  
  
"You mean he ran away! How could! CRAP!!!!"  
  
"Rowan, we're looking for him. We've called the police." Rowan spun away. "Rowan stop! You can't find him in the dark!"  
  
"It's my fault!"  
  
"Rowan, you have to come to Peter's office with me. We have to figure out where Gabe went." Rowan turned back to Dwayne, still pulling away. He looked at Jaime, who turned, planning on looking around campus at least once but Dwayne ended those plans. "Jaime! Get your ass in the dorms! Now is not a good time to go for a stroll." So Jaime headed off. 


	23. Lost

A/N- 6 CHAPTERS LEFT! (counting this one) And how do I know this? I've had them all typed for like a week now. Since ff.net hasn't been letting me in it's solved part of a dilemma but now that dilemma is up to you. I can either do 2 more posts of 2 each or I big post of 3 and then the last one. It's up to guys. Just the quicker I do this one the faster I can post the next story (which I have 2 chapters typed of). *******************  
  
Jaime headed back to dorms. Sorta. He was just going the longer, walk around the campus to get exercise route. But, hey, whatever gets you there, right? However his long walk had not given him any clues to where Gabe was, which was kinda the original point, other than the exercise part of course. He started kicking the dirt and pine needles underneath the trees. This sucks. What was he going to tell Rowan? Eh, what did he care? Rowan didn't give a damn about him so why should he give a damn about Rowan?  
  
No, that wasn't fair. This was about Gabe currently. God, Gabe must be really pissed. Pissed and scared. Maybe this was an attention thing like the little white scars on Jules's arms; the ones she tried to hide with pastel covered shirts that said small annoyances like 'cute!' or 'sparkly!' Gah.  
  
Jaime tripped as a rock rolled under his foot and fell forward, towards a small body that squeaked and squealed. "Gabe?" questioned Jaime as he rolled off the small body to lean against another pine tree. "What the. Rowan is going insane! What are you doing out here?"  
  
"You're Jaime and not a Troll, right?"  
  
"Yes. Now what are you doing out here?" The small body didn't say anything. "Are you still mad at Rowan for saying he wouldn't take custody of you?" The little body sniffled.  
  
"Uh huh. Why doesn't he like me?"  
  
"He does like you. I think. I think it's just that he's scared that if he takes you in he might mess up."  
  
"Nuh uh! Why would he be afraid of that? That's stupid! It's probably me, it's got to be." Jaime smiled. Looked like Gabe was going for only the reasons that would cause him to be lathered with self-pity. Good thing it was dark though because he didn't want Gabe getting all offended and running away. Or kicking him and running away- it looked like it hurt when he did that to Rowan. Hello future Clint Mathias.  
  
"Gabe, I don't know if you've realized this or been told this or what but Rowan didn't have the best of childhoods."  
  
"Neither did I!"  
  
"Yeah but you're still going through yours." Memo to self- do not have kids. "Rowan is afraid that if he fails you'll end up with the same childhood. He's only a couple of years older than when your mom was when she had him."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So basically, Rowan's afraid to fail so he thinks the better thing for you is to be with people who won't."  
  
"But he won't fail!"  
  
"I know. But he doesn't know that. And you running away makes him think he failed." God, is that how my parents felt? Bull. They were probably relieved.  
  
"He was probably happy." Well my make-myself-feel-better idea just got blown to itty-bitty bits of shrapnel.  
  
"I told you, he's going out of his mind."  
  
"Oh." Let's have silence for the Disney music to waft in slowly. "So you think he wants me to come back?" Yes, Christ do I have to make a neon sign. No wait, Gabe has the mentality of a 6 year old because he is 6. Remember that. "Yeah. And you never know, maybe he'll change his mind." Gabe thought for a moment, then launched out and hugged Jaime. Awkwardly, Jaime patted his back and then just gave in and hugged the child back. So this is why people have kids.  
  
"K-O. Are you and Rowan still best friends?"  
  
"I don't know any more."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because we got into a fight."  
  
"Why?" Wait, this feels like a familiar tactic of mine.  
  
"Because we disagreed about something."  
  
"Why?" No wait! I've been trapped! Man down commander! Abandon all hope! There goes the good ship lollipop!  
  
"Because."  
  
"Oh." Hah! You have to watch more sitcoms if you're going to try and out wit me! Oh God. I feel happy because I outwit a 6 year old. What is wrong with me? "Is he not taking custody of you?"  
  
"More like he's pushing me away."  
  
"Oh. Maybe because of his childhood."  
  
"I don't think so." Actually, I don't know. Frank? Maybe it's Freudian thing. Go, I hope I don't remind him of his mother or anything.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Do you have friends now?"  
  
"Uh huh. One of them, Alex, thinks that Batman is the best too!" Wow. Right there- life long friends.  
  
"Cool, but wait till you guys discover X-Men and Daredevil."  
  
"Who?" Feeling the age difference.  
  
"Get Rowan to explain them to you. C'mon. Let's get you back to bed."  
  
"I can't face all of them now. I'll look stupid. I'll look like a baby."  
  
"So?"  
  
"But. oh fine." Slowly Jaime walked, letting Gabe keep up with him. So this was what it felt like to take responsibility for someone else, anyone for that matter. He had never taken all that good care of himself. They stopped in front of Peter's office, which was lit up like the prom queen eight months after the fact. Gabe giggled drunkenly. "I can hear Rowan yelling bad words. He's funny." Gabe sounded sleepy. Suddenly he just kinda leaned against Jaime's leg and_was_out.  
  
"Uh, Gabe? Wake up. Wake up. Um ok." Slowly Jaime picked up Gabe who felt heavy, warm and comforting in his arms. He kicked on the door and was greeted by the sight of Sophie with green cream on her face, stressed. "Wo. Ok, kinda freaked out now." "Oh thank God," Jaime heard and Rowan appeared and lifted Gabe up out of Jaime's arms, which suddenly felt empty without the weight, lonely. "Thank you."  
  
"I was, I was just walking back to the dorms." Jaime turned and backed out of the limelight that shown from the 15 lights on inside. Turning, he headed back into the night towards his lonely, empty bed with too many thought swirling through his head. Tonight was going to be one of those nights. 


	24. Bang Bang

(A day or two later)  
  
Gabe ran to Rowan's room. Well, Rowan's and Jaime's and Auggie's and Scott's and Ezra's room. Mommy was back and Gabe didn't know why. He hadn't asked her to come back. He hadn't talked to her since the day she dropped him off at school and hadn't come home. At first, Gabe had wanted her to come here so he and Rowan and her and Captain Spoon Bear Man could be a family together and live in a house and eat lots of big kid's meals and maybe no one would yell if someone didn't finish theirs. But now Gabe didn't know if he wanted her back. And he hadn't wanted her to come with the Troll. Gabe hated the Troll and the Troll scared him- the things he'd say. He wasn't part of the fairy tale.  
  
Gabe flung himself onto Rowan, grabbed onto the gray Sex Pistols shirt. He waited for Captain Spoon bear Man to say everything would be ok, but the teddy said nothing. Gabe knew everyone was looking at him funny but he didn't care. He hadn't hugged Rowan since before he ran away. He was mad then but not anymore! Maybe Rowan was still mad. No, Rowan couldn't be mad. He couldn't! "Gabe? What's wrong" Rowan sat up and still Gabe clung to him. "Please tell me what's wrong." Gabe shook his head and pushed his face farther into Rowan's chest. He couldn't speak. "Gabe? Please tell me what's wrong? I won't get mad, I won't get upset, just tell me what's wrong." Gabe shook his head again. He wasn't supposed to tell. He felt tears well up. Stupid, he thought, only babies cry. Not superheroes like Captain Spoon Bear Man. He was too big to cry. Too big. Rowan stood and carried Gabe outside, telling the onlookers they needed air. As they passed the bathroom Gabe shuddered.  
  
"Gabe please tell me, what's going on? What's wrong? Is somebody teasing you or- oh. Oh. Ok. She's here." Gabe just squished his head farther into Rowan's chest. So he hadn't been dreaming. He peeked out for a moment- she was wearing the pink skirt again, the one that showed too much of her legs. She used to wear it sometimes but now it was like she never took it off. And now she had another in blue and one in green. Gabe heard her say something and the sound of her voice made him turn colder. He always hated her voice. It sounded like cigarettes and v-o, v-o-d, v-o-d-k- a. Vodka. That had been a hard word to spell. But he had learned it. Just like nic- nico-nicotine, and Marlboro and w-h-i, w-h-i-s-k-y, whiskey. He had like rum (r-u-m) though- that one had been easy. His teachers had always liked the words too, when he came in with them; they always looked at him differently then the other kids after he told them each new word and spelled it proudly. He knew things the other kids were too babyish to know. Gabe was afraid Rowan's voice would sound like Momma's one day, angry one minute and sweet the next, every time he saw him smoke a cigarette.  
  
"No. I don't care he's your son. He doesn't go with you. I'm your kid too and I'm not running to give you a hug. He doesn't have to come when you call."  
  
She screamed then and Gabe rushed to block his ears, letting go of Rowan's shirt to cover them with his hands, well one hand and one fist that held Captain Spoon Bear Man's Hand. Rowan yelled something back and Gabe smushed his face against Rowan's shirt, reveled in the warm arm secure around his back. He didn't want to go with Momma, not when she sounded like that.  
  
Momma suddenly stopped yelling and asked Gabe, "Don't you remember the fun times sweetie? Don't you remember?" Gabe remembered when he threw up in the greasy place because he had tried to eat all his lunch so she'd be happy. And she had screamed at him forever. And then when they got home, that was worse. The Troll came out. And Gabe remembered her and the Troll watching a movie with lots of red blood and loud noises, had laughed at him when he hid in the corner with Captain Spoon Bear Man against his face. The Troll had come later and whispered the gunshots to him, Bang Bang, and laughed when Gabe jumped. Gabe saw the Troll walking up the path. He pushed off Rowan and scrambled to hide beneath his knees.  
  
"No," he said, between Rowan's legs.  
  
"Gabe?" Rowan turned, still blocking Gabe from Momma and the Troll with his body. "What's wrong? Please Gabe, tell me what's wrong." Rowan looked scared, like on the day Gabe had first seen him, back when Gabe didn't know that he liked Rowan. He hugged him, tight, hid his face in Rowan's neck and shoulder. Rowan didn't flinch, just hugged him back. Then Captain Spoon Bear Man said how Momma always flinched, Rowan never did now, unless Gabe caught him by surprise and that was only sometimes. And Rowan never pushed him away like Momma did, pushing him off the bed, off the couch, off her.  
  
"C'mon Baby, come with me. We'll have fun, I promise." Maybe Gabe would have said yes, because he remembered other times, when the Troll was away, before there was a Troll and there was Ted and Momma only told him scary stories sometimes and fairy tales lots of times. But then he saw the Troll coming too much closer and he remembered the Momma's promises didn't mean much anymore. From behind Rowan he whispered again, "No."  
  
"Gabe, its not just Mom is it? What's wrong? Please, oh God, just tell me what's wrong." Gabe bit his tongue for a moment. Rowan rested his forehead against Gabe's, and Gabe could see himself looking back in Rowan's eyes. Gabe leaned over into Rowan's ear and whispered the secret about Trolls, short, fast, so it would all come out and none would be left sitting in his mouth, burning his tongue.  
  
Rowan didn't say anything for a moment, shut his eyes and breathed, gasped in air. Then he looked at Gabe. "Gabe," he begged with his voice, "tell me you're joking, you're lying. Please be lying." Gabe shook his head, dropped low. Was he gonna yell at him like Momma did? Not believe him? "Gabe, look at me. Please, go stand by Dwayne, ok. No matter what, no matter what happens, stay with Dwayne." Rowan sounded tight. Steely. Like the good guy superheroes. Like Batman or Captain Spoon Bear Man when Gabe pretended to have him fight the Troll. Gabe looked over to see where Dwayne and Peter where talking with Momma, Sophie and Jasper talking with the Troll. Gabe nodded.  
  
"Ok." He squenched his eyes tight. He didn't want to cry. Not now when Rowan sounded so strange, not never. Rowan kissed him on the forehead and stood and Gabe went to go stand by Dwayne, trying to keep distance between him and Momma. He turned when he heard Rowan say something to the Troll and watched as the two ran, until Rowan tackled him. He watched as Rowan beat up the Troll, punching his fist into the Troll's face; Gabe said Bang Bang quietly. Dwayne tried to rush over and help pull Rowan off but Gabe clamped onto his leg. He didn't want to be left with Momma. So Dwayne picked up Gabe and brought him too. Rowan was screaming bad words and strange words that trilled and sounded angry at the Troll, whom Sophie was helping up, trying to understand what was going on.  
  
"What's wrong with you?!" Dwayne screamed, holding Gabe a little to tight.  
  
Rowan stopped screaming for a moment.  
  
"He's the Troll!"  
  
"What are you talking about?!"  
  
"He's the guy Gabe's afraid of! The guy who comes at night or when Gabe's in the bathroom!" For a moment Rowan and Dwayne locked eyes. Dwayne nodded once and Peter and Jasper let go, Sophie stepped away from the Troll. Rowan tackled him once more and held a knife to his throat. Momma ran over but Rowan pushed her off, threatened to hurt the Troll, to kill him if he ever came by Gabe again. Gabe whispered, "Bang Bang, You're dead," again but no one heard him. The Troll scrambled up, began to run for his car.  
  
"Chuck!" screamed Momma. "Wait!" she turned to Rowan.  
  
"That goes for you to. Gabe chose me. You're not included in the bargain. When he grows up, if he ever wants to see you, which I doubt he will, he can find you. You ruined your last kid with me- Gabe won't end up like me, or you, or dad. He's gonna be different." Momma held a hand to touch Rowan's chin. He turned his face away. She slapped him instead.  
  
"You think you're so great. I could tell them stories about you that would ruin you."  
  
"You've already done that. Go." She started to say something but Rowan cut her off when he screamed for her to go, again. She went. Rowan stood for a moment, ran his fingers through his hair and turned. Gabe ran to him, and Rowan caught him, sank to the ground and rocked with him. Gabe let himself cry; now it would be ok. No more gunshots. The two sat and rocked, and when both had calmed down, Rowan whispered in Gabe's ear, "You still want to stay with me forever and ever?"  
  
"Yes." Gabe let himself relax fully against Rowan's chest.  
  
Rowan looked up to Dwayne and Peter. "You hear?"  
  
"Yes," said Peter. "But you need a co-guardian, someone over 21. In case you need help or something, someone to care for Gabe. Like you go to college or army or something." Rowan stood and stared at the four adults who stood before him. "But all of you have made... to what. I have to. chose?" They said nothing, waiting judgment. Rowan looked between Dwayne and Jasper, back and forth. "I.. I.. I.. chose Dwayne."  
  
Peter and Sophie nodded and Sophie came, knelt down to kiss Rowan's spikes. "We know."  
  
Rowan stood to look at Jasper. "I'm so sorry Jasper, it's just- Dwayne knows me better than I do. He's- he's"  
  
"Been there." Jasper sounded defeated. "I just wish. Me, you and Sara."  
  
"Could have been a family. I know. I wished for it too. She did too." Jasper hugged Rowan awkwardly, mindful of Gabe who snuggled against Rowan. He moved back so Rowan and Dwayne could look at each other full in the eye. "Do you mind?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you care?"  
  
"More than you know." Dwayne embraced Rowan for a moment and Rowan spared an arm from underneath Gabe to return the gesture. The two broke apart and Rowan motioned to the almost sleeping Gabe, tired from his tears. "I'll go put him to sleep." Dwayne nodded. "Um, quick question. Is there going to be an assault thing?"  
  
"For what?" asked Peter and Rowan smiled. Gabe nestled farther against Rona. Later, when he awoke, he would think it was a dream. And still not understand the joke. 


	25. Current Events

"So any body been reading current events?" asked Peter. The Group looked at him blankly, campus back to being slow after the previous day's events. "Any interesting things on the news?" The expressions didn't change. "On MTV?" They all looked relieved.  
  
"Eminem has a new video!" chirped Jules. "And so does J. Lo!!!"  
  
"Shoot me," said Jaime and Rowan at the same time, and looked into opposite directions. We're evidently still not talking. Daisy filled in the space with "Suicide pact time," to be given a warning look by Peter so he wouldn't have to send her to sit in the corner and endure time out.  
  
"I still hear those rats scratching the wood," said Scott.  
  
"I think you're hearing things Scott," said Peter. "The cabin has been checked- their aren't any mice in it."  
  
"Hey, I hear them too." Said Auggie.  
  
"Alright, then I'll get the guy back in there but this isn't exactly current events."  
  
"Actually, I heard something weird on the radio. In this town in Oregon or Idaho or something the yearbook staff refused to run a picture of a gay couple kissing," started Ezra.  
  
"Where you in the picture?" asked Shelby. "Because it might of not have been the couple then." Everyone laughed and Jaime began to gnaw at his lip. He knew he wasn't psychic but he knew this wasn't going to end well.  
  
"Yeah so, the students had a 'kiss off'- a bunch of same sex friends or couples or whatever kissed each other in a protest. They got a bunch of TV shows and newspapers to come so it turned into this huge thing," Ezra finished quickly.  
  
"Ewwwww," said Jules.  
  
"Did it work?" asked Daisy.  
  
"Yeah I think so."  
  
"That's just wrong. A bunch of-" started Scott, sounding disgusted.  
  
"How's it wrong?" Typical, thought Jaime. He won't talk to me because I don't treat him like he's glassed and gold and made to be publicly worshipped and I question his morals but it's ok for him to question some one else's morals. Eh, what do I care. You know other than my heart imploding. But that's normal.  
  
"It's just weird," said Scott, gasping for words.  
  
"Yeah, like girls can kiss if they're BFFs but not if they're like, dating or anything. It's just wrong," Jules chimed in.  
  
But people can be gay. It's not wrong." Jaime glanced at Daisy and back at his hands. He should've figured she'd be ok with it. Maybe he should try making an effort to get to know her.  
  
"I dunno. The church is kinda against it and I grew up that the Church is all-powerful. So, you know." Auggie fingered a small ring on his finger that had a cross engraved into it.  
  
"I agree with Daisy, I think. If someone wants to be gay then it's their choice." Ezra seemed happy to be part of a group. Jaime kept staring at his fingers. "I think it's weird but I'd never feel that way about another girl," said Kay quietly, not really supporting either side. Shelby showed her loyalties when she burst out with, "If evolution wanted us to not reproduce then it'd be fine but it's just wrong in the evolution and natural sense too."  
  
"Yeah!" Jules said.  
  
Jaime listened to the Group divide themselves without moving an inch. Peter must be screaming on the inside now, he thought. All his hard work towards unity had been unraveled. This is why you don't ask questions that will cause people to talk, Peter, oh young Grasshopper. "What do you think Jaime?" asked Daisy.  
  
G'damn it. Christ, what do I say? Maybe I should just babble incoherently and get out of it that way. Why did I never learn how to puke on command? "I, uh, I dunno. Um, yeah."  
  
"C'mon," said Auggie. "You have to have an opinion."  
  
"I dunno. I don't really. um."  
  
"C'mon," said Ezra. "Side. It's not like you're gay." Crapola. Let's pray my eyes haven't gotten so big that they can see the truth. Dead silence as the cogs of minds work putting together suspicions they ignored. No, I don't have a girlfriend. I dunno who I'd rather be with, Shakira or Shirley Manson- neither are my type. What do you mean, which one of the girls would I want to date? They're all taken. No, I can't tell you, it just feels wrong.  
  
"You are, aren't you," whispered Shelby. "That, that's."  
  
"Yeah," I whispered. Then I walked out as fast as I could, trying to act dignified, but ready to scream. There goes the neighborhood. 


	26. Shrink

I shrank into the lunchroom, walking upright but feeling like Neanderthal-esq when the room quieted. Guess news travels quicker than I thought was possible. I sat at the free spot on the lunch table, conveniently at the end of the table.  
  
A boy walked by as the lunchroom breathed again-talk that drifted to a low murmur began anew as the room adjusted itself in a bubble that included everything but me. Even the gum underneath the tables. He stopped and turned, addressed the table by talked to me. "So now the Cliffhangers aren't only freaks, they're fags?" He smiled and no one said a word. My tongue swelled because what could I say? The only thoughts going through my mind where self mutilation. And I'm supposed to recover to answer back. I stood the kid recoiled. It's not catching, I wanted to say. I said nothing.  
  
"Piss off," came Daisy's voice.  
  
"Yeah," said Ezra. I began to walk back out and the noise rose with every step I got to the door. The Cliffhangers probably felt stiffed. Well sorry; your great comradeship came just a second too soon for Mr. Hitchhiker. Alone again. I just can't wait to be alone again. I passed Rowan as he pushed the swinging doors. For a second we locked eyes. Then the second was over. I headed off to the dorms. 


	27. Janus

"Where are you going?" Of all people him. But I shouldn't be surprised. He doesn't sleep. Rarely eats. Talks when he has to and laughs less. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Leaving."  
  
"And you don't invite me?"  
  
"Look you have something here. But ever since I came out everyone just looks around me. I can't take it anymore. I'm going back to Venice. Have to find something there- something I should have found a while ago." I sound desperate. I am. He shrugs; walks closer with those eyes of his that pierce skin in the dark. Eyes that stand in your mind after you think you've rubbed and glad-handed them away.  
  
"Maybe I'd come for the ride. Revisit the old memories." I shake my head. He shouldn't be dragged down with me. This is my pit. "How are you planning on getting to the train station?" I motion to the car. No idea whose it is but thank god one of the idiots I had hung around constantly bragged. If a dumb ass like him could hot wire... Rowan held up car keys. "Take Dwayne's. I'll drive- you get caught and you're more screwed. But I've done the auto theft thing so it should come easily."  
  
"How you get the keys?"  
  
"I got an extra set made a long time ago. Sometimes if I can't sleep I'll go out for a bit. Buy beer or cigarettes, drive, listen to the radio, CDs. I'm not a magician- I go through a carton a week- where does everyone think I get them? Mid air?" I breathe out- almost laughing. Of course. The dry humor always gets me. "He knows. I think. He never asks about the absence of gas. I guess he thinks it's better than self destruction or mutilation."  
  
"Right, ok, whatever. You drive." He gave a gasp of mock surprise. "But of course." In the car he drums his fingers on the wheel. Long and thin. "Is it what the bastard said?" Guess he heard what happened.  
  
"No, not really. Just-just how everyone now pretends not to see me. Maybe they didn't really before but now. This is why..."  
  
"You didn't come out before?" I nod. Why could he always finish my sentences? "Think they'll tell your parents?" I shrug. I really don't care. Not really. No.  
  
"They'll probably just forget me like they did with Kyle. I catch Mom crying every now and then, like on major holidays, but mostly he's taboo. Like what I'm gonna become."  
  
"You really think they'll forget about you?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"You gonna ever write to them, call them? Tell them where you are, who you are?"  
  
"Where I am maybe. But I don't know who I am."  
  
"You leaving to find that out." I nodded. Yup, that's right. Someone's been watching their Lifetime movies. Rah for the Hallmark channel. "You got money enough for hotel and stuff?"  
  
"Way to rain on my parade. I applaud. Now wait, you're backing me up here?"  
  
"You need money?"  
  
I don't take handouts. Not even yours. "No."  
  
"K. When you get to Venice-"  
  
"Wait! How do you know that?"  
  
"Where else where you planning on going? I mean if you start anywhere in your life and all that Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer stuff you start where you were born."  
  
"Yeah. I wanna head to New York."  
  
"You'd like it there."  
  
"Where haven't you been?"  
  
"I haven't been back to Ireland in over 9 years. That's more than half my life." I thought for a moment. Long time to be away from home. And I thought I was worse off. No wait- this is crap. This is supposed to be my moment, not his. My turn to wallow in self-pity before going out into the cruel world. "I miss it, but y' know. I'll get back." Another long silence at the red light. I glance at the clock- 20 minutes left. "Are you gonna miss anything? I mean, yeah for narcissism but like, for me, Horizon's become a surrogate home."  
  
"Maybe it comes with the everyone liking you thing."  
  
"They liked you, they just weren't used to you."  
  
"Thanks. I feel reassured."  
  
"Any day."  
  
"What about nights?" Crap. Innuendo. That was the wrong thing to say. More small talk about the radio on the way to the station. I want to scream "This is what we've come to!" but instead I agree that radio had indeed gone corporate. Good job tying up lose ends. We arrive and I grab my bag full of everything important. I have money for my medication. Maybe I'll try to go straight. Hey- an ironic AND bad pun.  
  
He stares at me and for once, I can look him back, someone back, in the eye. I can't do that to a mirror. "Is it what I said?" I think back to the fight in the dirt. Not really a fight. It had stung, but not as much as other things had burned.  
  
"No. I've been thinking about it for a while." He didn't look relieved. I watch, intoxicated, as the grainy lights play across his face. Drag my eyes up and down the long, winding scar on the left side of his face. Another scar I won't hear the story to. Memorize what I do know.  
  
"I'm sorry." I jerk my head back up to his, guilty for a minute that I had been memorizing every part of his body, down and up. It was going to be a long trip- a day at least. "I have this really shitty habit of pushing away everyone and everything I care about. And I guess I really screwed everything up with you. So, I'm sorry." This time, it was he who jerks his eyes away, down the tracks. He who had, dare I say it? Just admitted he gave a fuck about me? "I'm sorry I couldn't be there the way you wanted. I'm just-"  
  
"No. It's ok. I would've left anyway. This is something I have to do." He brings his eyes back up, looking through red streaked bangs that weren't spiked 2 inches high for once. Mussed up. Beautiful. He looks at me for a moment, and I wish I could see whatever he was seeing, just for a moment. He leans forward, first, and then I help to close the meager distance left. Our lips drew together and slowly we kiss, my tongue stud playing games within the flesh of his mouth. This was the moment I had wanted and it comes now? Now when I'm leaving? When I can't turn back? Now when there is no deal to keep silent? I hear the loudspeaker breaking us apart, his hand from my face and hair tracing a scar that wasn't there, my hand from his shirt and the skin and ravines beneath it, my lips, tongue, rejoicing over the taste he left. Minty fresh. 2 minutes. Now.  
  
"What are going to do for money?" He looks at me like he wants to make sure I won't give myself to anyone again. This is like a dime store romance or maybe a penny dreadful.  
  
"I like to take pictures or look at things like I'd take a picture. Maybe I'd try that. I won't." Strange I don't feel unsure telling someone my dreams. Wow. Group had a purpose.  
  
"Good." He pauses, looked down at his feet. "Maybe Jim Morrison has paid off. When you talk, it just sounds like you see things different. That's got to be an indicator of having the eye for picture." You've got the ability to be my Muse. You've got the tongue for my inspiration, the soul for my depression, you, you.  
  
"I'll write." He nods, mouth closed. "Call." He licks his lips, saying nothing. Terse. "Maybe see you again sometimes." The corner of his mouth lifts up just a little. Smile- eclipse the sun. He leans forward again and kisses my cheek. Slides his lips so they graze my mouth and I turn a peck into something a tad more passionate. Wow Jaime, daring aren't we? He breaks off after a minute and reaches to his neck and removed a necklace, dog tags on a silver chain that was gray in the light.  
  
"Now you have to." He clips a chain around my neck and they fall to my skin, warm from his heat, binding. "They were given to me by my sister." The threat, the taboo that whispers around the chain tightens.  
  
"They're gold."  
  
"I didn't think you'd misread them. Luck and Slán. Bye Jaime." He turns, walks to the car. I heard the train and I turn too, face whatever was coming. Ready or not. 


	28. The End

Disclaimer- This is the end/my only friend/ The End The End" The Doors "Rowan, where is he?"  
  
"I don't know!" God, it's like a bad round. "Look I'm sorry but I don't know where he is. Why would I know anyway?" I didn't look at them- I never did and doing so know would ruin the lie. Instead I crossed my arms and tilted my head just enough so I could look at Dwayne, Peter, and Sophie (aka the Spanish Inquisitors) from underneath my bangs that hung in my eyes, limp, unspiked. They were really getting too long- a little too hard to spike and manage. But right they might give me the innocent appeal. Doe eyes and stuff. And the crossing of the arms was basic body posture for 'don't talk to me'. Course it doesn't always work but maybe today was a good day. It had to be- Jaime needed like at least another half a day to be in Venice. Right?  
  
"Rowan, Jaime's parents are going to be here soon. They want to know to know where their son is." Why? They didn't know anything else about him- and I thought pigs were supposed to be one of the most intelligent animals. Evidently I'm wrong.  
  
"Well I guess they'll have to ask someone else won't they? Besides, didn't Freud have that philosophy of blaming everything on the parents?"  
  
Dwayne attempted to plead. "When you didn't know where Gabe was you went insane. That's how Jaime's parents feel." Not even close- I love Gabe. I talk to him. I don't ignore him. I care about him dumb ass.  
  
"I_don't_know." God, take the hint. Or better yet, don't. Buy Jaime a couple more hours before you put the clues together.  
  
"How did he leave?"  
  
"Not answerable."  
  
"Rowan, Peter looked at the car tracks. Someone drove it out of here and then back in." Sophie sounded ready to cry. Guess this is the first time anyone made a clean break of Alcatraz.  
  
"Maybe he went for a joyride. Changed his mind. Someone else took the car for a joy ride. I really don't know. Or maybe Peter the hound dog has finally lost his touch. I really don't know." Jaime, Birdman, Lizard King, the Hitchhiker.  
  
Peter stiffened. "Do you think you're funny Rowan?" That's right, look imposing with a stiff spine. Ooo, ah. Hold that pose and let the paparazzi take a picture.  
  
"No, I think I'm cute and obnoxious." Least Jaime would agree with one part of that. Peter stood lost for words- what do you say when someone agrees with you?  
  
"Withholding information isn't going to help your record!"  
  
"I'll keep that in mind next time I'm interrogated. Which is what this is becoming. Don't I get an attorney?"  
  
"Look Rowan," Oh yeah. Do the soft, caring, we know what you're going through and we relate because we went through the same and made something out of it voice. I sense a lecture worthy of Spiderman. Holy Fuck Batman! Or at least "Bambie's mother was shot and he became stag of the forest AND got the girl" story. Jaime was never going to get the girl and how many people knew that? How many people cared? "We know that Jaime was your friend," Correction- I am his friend. And he is one of mine. "But he's his parents only son." Really? So Kyle ran off and he's not considered a son now. How long before Jaime's picture is removed form the mantel? "We need to know where he is." Do you now? Little late.  
  
"I don't know. I'm telling the truth!" The four of them sighed, their bodies wilted. Half-heartedly they threatened and left. I went back to my bed and lay down, fingering the empty space between collarbones where my necklace used to fall- the little hollow that once held silver. I picked up my pocketknife and began to scratch out what I had carved into the wood. R/J was slowly becoming unreadable. Maybe later I would begin to carve it back in. Maybe.  
  
A/N So the next story should be up soon. Until then (this is probably unnecessary) Colage.org Teenlineonline.org  
  
You know, just in case 


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